Alternatives to Punishment Part 1: Punishment vs. Consequences

Through my research and learning about peaceful parenting I have learned that force, threats, and punishment (defined as intentional “suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution”) are not the most effective forms of discipline if our goal is to produce children who do the right thing because they want to do the right thing (rather than doing the right thing for fear of being punished). Punishment would include spanking, timeout/isolation, withdrawal of love or affection, removal of something desirable, demanding that the child does something undesirable that makes them feel shamed, etc. Punishment always makes children feel worse – and you can’t truly do or become better by feeling worse (see this post). Punishment is psychologically damaging. Punishment always pits us against our child and erodes at our relationship with them, harming the one thing that gives us real, positive influence with them – our loving connection. Punishment sends children into fight or flight, where it is impossible to reason and learn. See this article about what’s wrong with strict (authoritarian) parenting, and this one about why punishment doesn’t teach accountability.

perfectlovecastsoutfear

Natural consequences, on the other hand, can be excellent teachers. But when a lot of parents talk about “consequences” what they’re really referring to is punishment (e.g. “If I hear any more fighting, there will be consequences!”). A consequence is defined as “a result or effect of an action or condition.” It happens naturally, on its own. When we feel like we have to fabricate arbitrary consequences in order for our children to learn a lesson (even if they seem logical), those “consequences” are never as effective as natural consequences because, if we are the one causing the painful outcome, our children are more likely to view it the same way they view punishment, which sends them into fight or flight and causes them to view us as the enemy. When we allow natural consequences to happen, while offering empathy, our children have a greater chance of learning desirable lessons from them, while also building their trust and connection with us, which increases the likelihood that they’ll follow us in the future.

For example, the consequence of my child messing around at bedtime instead of getting ready for bed is that we run out of time for bedtime stories. We could push bedtime back and still read stories, saving her from the consequence of her actions, but there is a valuable lesson to be learned in the natural consequence that follows when we don’t do what we need to do, when we need to do it. So instead we set firm limits with empathy (the empathy is important here!). On the other hand, we could treat this as a punishment by saying, “That’s it! No bedtime stories! That’s what you get for messing around instead of brushing your teeth!” But then our child is less likely to cooperate or to follow us in the future than she would be if we say (in a sincere tone), “Oh sweetie, I know how much you want to read bedtime stories. That’s your favorite part of the bedtime routine, huh? But sweetheart, we’re out of time. I’m sorry this is hard. Maybe tomorrow night if you hurry fast enough we might have time for an extra story!” Empathizing through the natural consequence (while staying firm) is more effective and more loving than punishment.

mother wipes the tears of his little daughter

But wait – God is the perfect parent, and He punishes His children when they’re wicked, right? Knowing what I know about discipline and feeling its truth so strongly,  I was really confused by the fact that the scriptures talk over and over about God’s wrath and about Him punishing the wicked. I had a hard time reconciling that in my mind with the idea of a gentle, merciful, loving God – especially when I consider how the Savior handled situations with sinners (see below). Surely our Heavenly Father knows how His children learn best, and what will change their hearts (and thus, their behavior). So what was I missing? Why would He use punishment?

Before I go on, let me be clear that God’s ways are higher than our ways, and that we more than likely will not understand all of His ways in this life. Whatever the Lord does, or whatever He requires, is right – even if we don’t understand His reasons – of that I have no doubt. If He chooses to use punishment, then that is right. But for the sake of understanding what His will is in my parenting, I have sought to understand this issue better. Is punishment (intentionally causing pain) His way?

find faith and keep trying_thumb[6]

We know that “there is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated” (D&C 130:20-21). Likewise, if we break those laws then the blessings attached to them do not come to us.

We know that the natural consequences of sin are always negative, and the Lord doesn’t intervene to protect us from the effects of our sins unless we fully and sincerely repent (see 2 Nephi 2:7 and D&C 19:16). These natural consequences are often very effective. But what about punishment? Does God, in His wrath, actually inflict punishment on the wicked? Or is their ‘punishment’ simply a natural result of breaking eternal laws?

In the Book of Mormon there is a story about a Nephite army and a Lamanite army. The formerly-righteous Nephites had become hardened and vengeful and blood-thirsty and filled with a desire to destroy their enemies, the Lamanites. Mormon, the Nephites’ righteous commander, refused to continue leading them from that point forward because of their wickedness, but they went to battle anyway. Mormon 4:4-5 reads, “And it was because the armies of the Nephites went up unto the Lamanites that they began to be smitten; for were it not for that, the Lamanites could have had no power over them. But, behold, the judgments of God will overtake the wicked; and it is by the wicked that the wicked are punished; for it is the wicked that stir up the hearts of the children of men unto bloodshed” (emphasis added). God didn’t force the Lamanites to destroy the Nephites because of their wickedness. I don’t believe that force and destruction are part of His nature. But He did allow it to happen, because the Nephites refused to repent and thus were beyond the reach of His mercy (see Mosiah 2:38-39).

I wonder if sometimes when men in the scriptures talk about punishment, they’re really referring to natural (negative) consequences of sin that God allows to happen because the sinners refuse to repent. Perhaps it’s an issue of semantics and defining punishment and rewards/blessings: Following eternal laws results in positive natural consequences called blessings (which are attached to the specific laws, and which the Lord delights in bestowing); and perhaps breaking eternal laws – sinning – without repenting results in negative natural consequences called punishments, which are attached to those crimes (see 2 Nephi 2:10). I don’t think God comes up with arbitrary consequences for our actions; rather, our consequences are already affixed. Living a life full of love and service naturally leads to positive relationships and connections with others, as well as the ability to be influenced by the Spirit. Living a life of murder and bloodshed naturally leads to enemies who seek to destroy you, as well as other negative consequences of sin.

We might better understand this as the law of justice. LDS.org says, “In scriptural terms, justice is the unchanging law that brings consequences for actions. Because of the law of justice, we receive blessings when we obey God’s commandments. The law of justice also demands that a penalty be paid for every sin we commit. When the Savior carried out the Atonement, He took our sins upon Himself. He was able to “answer the ends of the law” (2 Nephi 2:7) because He subjected Himself to the penalty that the law required for our sins. In doing so, He “satisfied the demands of justice” and extended mercy to everyone who repents and follows Him (see Mosiah 15:9; Alma 34:14-16). Because He has paid the price for our sins, we will not have to suffer that punishment if we repent (see D&C 19:15-20).” So mercy does not negate the need for that penalty, or “punishment,” to be paid, but rather, it allows for Someone else to pay that price on our behalf if we will receive Him and repent. When we refuse to repent, that penalty must still be paid — just as “what goes up must come down,” all sin must be paid for. So that punishment when we refuse to repent is not our Heavenly Father’s way of getting back at us or trying to hurt us, it is simply the law of justice being upheld. The Lord’s definition of punishment does not appear to be the same as man’s.

How about the definition of wrath? I really liked this perspective on the wrath of God: “The works of God are works of love and restoration. They always have been, and always will be. . . . Those who are opposed to God’s love and restoration in the world will experience an aspect of God’s love that feels like wrath, because the forces that oppose love will one day be either transformed or eliminated from creation. . . . God’s story . . . [is] a story of purging all that is not loving, until everything is restored and only love remains. . . . Love purges war, famine, disease, oppression, hatred, violence, and everything else that fights against love. It’s what love does. . . .  Those who refuse to partner with love, and insist on continuing to fight in opposition to all that love does, will experience a side of love that does not feel like love. To them, it might even feel like wrath. Thus, when we affirm the “wrath of God” it’s not so much an affirmation of wrath at all—but an affirmation of love.” In other words, I believe that God’s wrath is not anger or hatred toward His children, but toward sin and evil, which He naturally purges because “God is love” (1 John 4:8). And those on the other side, who refuse to join with Him, will naturally be purged as well. From the New Testament student manual: “The “wrath” of God is not hostility toward mankind; rather, it is rejection of sin.” So perhaps “punishment” is a result of His wrath — toward sin and all that attach themselves to sin and refuse to let go.

So then how does God discipline His children? (And remember that ‘discipline’ means ‘to teach.’) Check out part 2 where we’ll look at God’s character and the way He disciplines us.

The Role Emotions Play in Behavior and Correction

Note: My brother, Josh (one of the Mormon guys at twomormonguys.com {the other is my cousin, Dallan}), helped me with this post. He and I have had many conversations on this subject, and I’m so grateful for his participation on this!

My husband and I were watching a sitcom the other day, and in this episode the female character was feeling like her husband wasn’t trying in their marriage anymore and like he was taking their relationship for granted. Instead of talking to him about it she let her feelings become bottled up inside until finally she snapped, accusing him of being lazy and not caring, and causing a big fight. It was clear to me, since I was just an observer, that she could have said something like, “Remember when you used to surprise me with flowers randomly? I loved that, and I miss it. It would really mean a lot to me if you still did things like that.” and the outcome likely would have been much different.

dissonance

 

By yelling at him, she was hoping to be heard and to set her husband straight. But when humans are attacked, our natural reaction is to either fight back (jump on the defensive), run from the fight (avoid the problem and stuff our feelings), or simply freeze and shut down. In moments like these, the reasoning part of our brain is not “on” and so the lesson we’re supposed to be learning isn’t getting through. When we’re being attacked, yelled at or criticized, our autonomic nervous system thinks we are in danger and triggers the fight or fight response. This happens automatically and completely out of our conscious control. We feel worse than we did before, and we can’t do better by feeling worse. You see, we do the things we do because of what we think and feel in that moment, particularly about ourselves. Thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to actions. When we feel better, we do better.

Think about how emotionally generous you are when you feel great! When we’re full of love and the Spirit, kindness and patience and generosity just flow from us naturally.

beauty

Children are no different. When they feel badly, they’re more likely to behave badly. And when they feel wonderful, they act wonderful. But we often hold them to a higher standard than we do ourselves in this regard. It’s easy to justify our actions when we’re frustrated or upset (maybe we don’t let the “jerk” driver over when we tries to change lanes in front of us, because he was rude first so “he deserves it.”), but we tend to expect our kids to always be on their best behavior.

We tend to think that our children have to earn our affection and attention, that they must act a certain way first in order to get the attention they so desperately need. But if they could act appropriately without our help, then they wouldn’t be crying out for our attention in undesirable ways to begin with. Children need connection with us to keep their “love tanks” full and to keep themselves regulated. They need help processing the yucky emotions that are driving the bad behavior. They’re much more likely to act the way we want them to when they feel connected to us and when they’re in a positive emotional state.

We also tend to think, “but I’m the adult and they’re the child and it’s my job to discipline and teach them a lesson when they misbehave.” This is true! But the thing about teaching and learning is that it can only happen when everyone is calm and in a positive emotional state. As I said before, the rational part (the learning center) of our brain shuts down when we’re in a state of fight or flight. Yelling, criticizing, belittling, shaming, spanking, isolation/withdrawal (time out), etc. all put children in a state of fight or flight and turn off their reasoning centers, making it literally impossible for them to even understand what we are saying. All of these strategies make children feel worse, and again, they can’t do better by feeling worse. They can’t reason or learn while in “fight or flight,” but nor will they even be motivated to do good when they feel shamed. All shame does is make us feel defeated and worthless and hopeless. It is essential that we improve the emotional state first before we can truly improve behavior.

kindwordslovingactions

Now, recognizing that we only act badly when we feel badly does not in any way excuse bad behavior. We are each responsible for our actions regardless of how we feel. This is why we allow all feelings but limit behavior. This is also why we use empathy and emotion coaching. Everyone is swamped by big emotions at times, so it’s crucial to learn how to shift from “fight or flight” back to a state of rest where we can reason, without repressing emotions, so that we don’t continually make bad choices in the heat of the moment that we will later regret. The more we help our children make that shift, the better able they will be to make it on their own eventually. It is only after making that shift that effective teaching, learning, and communicating can take place. Change the emotional state, change the behavior. How do we help our children change their emotional state? Find a way to touch their heart. If they are yelling, respond with a whisper (see Proverbs 15:1). Truly listen to them. Empathize. Show affection. Play with them. Do something that makes them feel connected to you and engaged with. Tell stories. Use the Word of God, or music. Invite the spirit. (See this post for effective Spirit-led discipline.)

children's hearts

 

This doesn’t mean that we are enabling bad behavior at all, or being permissive parents. We can recognize sin, and teach children to behave righteously, without doing things that make the child feel devalued, discouraged, or disabled. True discipline (which means ‘to teach’) will always involve calm and clear minds, positive emotional states, and the Spirit, who helps us to “know the truth of all things” (Moroni 10:5).

And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God. (Alma 31:5)

Why did the word of God have such a powerful effect on the Nephites? Because preaching the word allowed the Spirit to touch their hearts, which changed their emotional state to one of love and a desire to do the Lord’s will.

studyofgospelimprovesbehavior

I firmly believe that children naturally want to please us and do the right thing. Their hearts are pure. Mosiah 3:19 says that we must “[become] as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit…” This is children’s nature. But because young children are immature beings and their brains aren’t fully developed, they get easily overwhelmed by big emotions, and when they feel badly they tend to act inappropriately. Helping them with their feelings (and their behavior), connecting with them, and making sure they feel significant and worthwhile and wanted, helps restore them to their natural state–which is a state of goodness. I feel strongly that our society’s view of children needs to change. We must believe that children are good. Labeling them as naughty when they misbehave is not helpful. When our children behave badly, they are not bad–they are hurting. Or maybe they’re simply exploring cause and effect and testing boundaries and limits, because that’s how they learn. Either way, bad behavior does not mean they are bad. Their worth has not changed. They don’t need to redeem themselves in order to deserve our love and kindness and attention. Our Savior has already redeemed every living soul from sin. Our Savior has shown us how to hate the sin but love the sinner unconditionally.

One of my favorite stories from the New Testament is the story of the woman taken in adultery (see John 8:3-11). Jesus would have been justified by the law to have this woman stoned to death for her crime. But not only did He spare her life, He transformed the entire situation and probably left this daughter of God feeling humbled and hopeful and worthy of forgiveness. I imagine she was overcome with love and gratitude. The perfect love she must have felt from the Savior would certainly have been a much greater motivator to “go and sin no more” than was the shame and scorn of the scribes and Pharisees. The Savior surely understood the worth of each person, as well as the significance of us knowing our worth. He understood the importance of changing hearts, not just behavior.

This approach to behavior modification (touching and shaping hearts) works beautifully, but it isn’t easy. Honestly, the hardest part about parenting this way isn’t our children’s emotions, or even their behavior–it’s taking control of our own emotions (and subsequently, our behavior). We must practice shifting our own emotional state before we will be able to help our children shift theirs. This also requires time and dedicated effort. It might be faster and easier to use fear-based tactics or to just send our kids to timeout, but if we truly want our children to learn how to control their behavior and choose to do the right thing of their own volition, it will require effort on our part. And what more important work could we be doing?

Love vs. Fear

JPEG_20160511_150756_-333450998

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the choices I make. I’ve heard it said that every choice we make either comes from a place of love or from a place of fear. I believe this is true. In any given moment, what we choose to think, say, or do is either driven by love (or some other “fruit” of the Spirit), or it is driven by fear (or another of Satan’s tools). We know that faith and fear can not exist in the same mind at the same time. And we know that “perfect love casteth out fear” (1 John 4:18). We also know that “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). Feeling fear (or any other “negative” emotion) is not bad, and it does not in any way make us bad. But clearly, the choices we make out of fear are not inspired by the Lord, and thus, will not bless our lives.

What do I mean by “choices we make out of fear?”

Fight or Flight

For one, any time we act while we’re angry, or overcome by “fight or flight” hormones, that choice or action is driven by fear. You might think, “I’m not afraid, I’m angry!” But anger is a masking emotion that covers up more vulnerable emotions, like fear.

An example of this might be when my child is acting up and is not listening to me when I tell her to stop. My mind jumps to conclusions and I get triggered by some ridiculous (and not totally conscious) thought, like “oh no, I’m a horrible mother because I can’t make my child do what I want!” That lack of control causes a fear response. I shift into fight or flight. My brain tells my body that there is an emergency and I must act immediately (fight or flee). If I act in the moment, I might do something like yell at my child or physically handle her roughly, which I will regret afterward. But if I can access my rational brain I will realize that there really isn’t an emergency, and then I can slow down, re-frame my thoughts (e.g. remind myself that we can’t solve anything until everyone is calm, that she can’t do better by feeling worse, and that the answer always starts with connection), and make a choice out of love instead – such as getting down on my child’s level, making eye contact, connecting physically with a gentle hand on her arm, and calmly making my request (or setting my limit) again. I think we all know which choice is more loving and Christlike. But how do we shift out of fight or flight in moments like this?

Try taking a few deep breaths. Close your eyes. Count to ten. Tell yourself “It’s not an emergency,” or “I have all the time in the world.” Turn or walk away if necessary. These are the things that work the most effectively for me. There are a myriad of ways to calm oneself, so find what works best for you and practice it. I have even put up sticky notes around my house to help remind me in the moment.

One important note: I have found that it’s so, so much easier to calm down if I choose to calm myself right away – before I get too upset. If I choose to act on my anger, even a little bit, it is 10 X harder to then choose to calm down. Acting on our anger, or even talking about how angry we are, makes us more angry. We are then more likely to feel justified in our angry actions (until later when we’re calm and the guilt comes crashing down on us). Opening the door to our anger even slightly can sabotage our ability to make a choice out of love. So instead, notice the anger and breathe through it. Use your calming strategies. And then choose love.

Is this easy? Nope! Will we sometimes still act on our anger (or fear), even if we practice this a lot? Of course. Because we’re human. But the more often we can calm ourselves instead of acting on our anger, the more our brains will create and reinforce new neural pathways that will help us to calm ourselves more easily in the future. (We can actually create a calmer brain!) And when we do mess up, all is not lost. In any given moment, we can choose love – even if we failed to do so in the previous moment. Additionally, messing up gives us the opportunity to model for our children how to repair relationships. We can apologize for our behavior (which does not excuse our children’s behavior, but rather, models how to take responsibility for our actions). We can try a do-over. And we can move forward.

“What if…”

I have noticed that I am also more prone to make fear-based choices when I start asking, “What if…?” rather than trusting God and the natural processes of things (I’m referring to the type of “what if…” questions that cause us to doubt). This way of thinking can lead us to ignore our God-given instincts and intuition and to make decisions that are based on the wisdom of men. For example, “What if all the experts are right and my baby never learns to sleep on her own? I’d better leave her to cry it out. She might not learn any other way.” (see this post for my experience with sleep training.) Instead, we can trust that God created us with instincts that drive us to respond to and comfort crying babies, and even to hold, rock, and nurse them to sleep. If we trust that this is His design (a design that has worked beautifully for thousands of years throughout the history of the world, I might add) then we don’t need to worry about creating “bad habits.” We can trust that He created each one of His children to learn and develop at just the right pace for each of them, and that even the babies who are not forced to do things before they’re ready all eventually learn to do those things on their own. Along with being developmentally ready, their trust, security, and attachment to the adults in their lives is what enables their independence. We can trust the process.

Side note: some might argue that their decision to sleep train was not made out of fear at all, but rather it was a logical, thought-out decision they made to achieve a desired result – an easier baby who sleeps through the night independently, and better-rested parents. That might sound pretty nice, but it goes against nature and God’s design (and in my experience, when I work with nature instead of fighting against it, things work better). Babies were meant to be near their mothers, even during sleep, as is so clearly evident by the physiological phenomena that occur when babies are in close contact with their mothers (synchronized sleep patterns, regulated breathing, body temperature, heart rate, etc.) (Source), as well as what occurs when they are separated (elevated stress hormones, weakened immune system, sleep disturbances, etc.) (Source). Additionally, it might surprise you to learn that moms who breastfeed and co-sleep get more sleep and report feeling better rested than moms who breastfeed but don’t co-sleep or moms who bottle feed (Source). This has definitely been true for me. Co-sleeping may not be the right answer for all families, but it is a huge blessing for many families – even many families who didn’t think it would work for them. If you’re worried about safety, check this out. And for those who need a third option (other than cry-it-out or co-sleeping) there are more gradual and gentle ways to encourage independent sleep in older babies and young children (also see here).

Now back to doubt and fear. On the other end of the spectrum, asking “What if…?”can also lead to anxiety that we might damage our children if we are less than perfect. “What if I am permanently damaging my children because I can’t seem to stop yelling at them?” “What if my child is struggling with _____ because of a choice I made?” “What if I fail to teach my children all of the most important things?” None of us want to screw up our kids! But fear doesn’t help. It is not productive. It won’t serve to make us or our lives or our children better. Faith, trust, hope, love – these divine attributes do help. Because of the atonement no one is ever damaged beyond repair. The Lord loves us unconditionally, and He trusts us enough to raise His children, even though we are not perfect. We must focus on the good that we do, for “[we] are doing better than [we] think [we] are” (Jeffery R. Holland). When thoughts of doubt creep in, we always have the opportunity to re-frame our thoughts, to re-write our story, to forgive ourselves and others, and to move forward in faith and love – love for ourselves as well as others. Which brings me to:

Self-Destructive Thoughts

self-confidence-quote-17-healthyplace

Self-destructive thoughts certainly don’t come from a place of love, but rather from fear. Brigham Young said, “If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell, because that is exactly where it came from.”

Self-destructive thoughts are never helpful or productive, because we can’t do better by feeling worse. We need encouragement from ourselves, not criticism.

We must choose love, not only for others, but for ourselves. We must take compassionate care of ourselves before we will be able to take compassionate care of our children and others.

Using Either Fear or Love to Influence Others

In addition to us being influenced by either fear or love, we use either fear or love to influence our children. After all, unless we are able to physically move them and force them to do what we want for the rest of their lives, influence is all we really have. (And even if we are able to force their actions, we will never have control over their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings – we only have influence.) As hard as this might sometimes be for us to accept, this is how it was meant to be. This is the way we chose for it to be when we chose to follow our Savior in the pre-existence.

D&C 121:41-42 says, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—”

It is popular to use fear (yelling, threats, withdrawal, manipulation, punishment, control, etc.) in parenting to coerce children into obedience, but it seems that the Lord would have us influence them a different way. Punishment, by definition, is not gentle or kind. We might think, “well I’m punishing my child because I love him.” But it is not enough just to love our children – they must feel our love in order for it to really be effective. When we use punishment, our love is lost on our children. But when we set limits with empathy (acknowledge their feelings and perspective), our children feel that we understand them and are in their corner – even if they’re not happy about the limits we set.

One of my favorite quotes is by Gordon Neufeld. He says, “You cannot parent a child whose heart you do not have.” Our connection with our children (or their attachment to us) is absolutely vital in teaching and guiding them. So how do we win our children’s hearts?

That’s a topic for another day. In the meantime, try this experiment: every time you make a choice, ask yourself if it was love or fear that drove you. Then look at the fruits of that choice. And whenever possible, choose love.

Why I Don’t Make My Children “Pay the Price” For Their Misbehavior (And What I’ve Found That Works Better)

This post contains affiliate links. This means that when you make a purchase using those links, I receive a small compensation at no additional cost to you. Thank you for your support!

I was reading one day about disciplining children and, more specifically, about giving consequences. The author spoke of the importance of responding to negative behavior right away, as well as making sure the consequence is age-appropriate and relevant to the situation (that it “fits the crime”). The author then stressed that it’s necessary that the child “pays the price” (i.e. suffers) for the thing they have done wrong. Something about this felt wrong to me, but I couldn’t articulate why at the time. As I’ve thought about it in the weeks and months since, I have had two main thoughts form in my mind.

First, if our focus is on making our child pay for what they have done, then this is not really a consequence (i.e. the result of a choice), but rather a punishment (i.e. “to subject to pain, loss, confinement, death, etc., as a penalty for some offense,  transgression, or fault”–according to the dictionary). The word discipline means ‘to teach,’ which I think most of us would agree is our goal. We want our children to learn to do what’s right. Consequences that occur naturally can be excellent teachers. But what about punishment? When a child (or anyone) is subject to punishment (pain caused intentionally by another person), they shift out of their “reasoning brain” into their “reptilian brain” (fight or flight). The learning centers of their brain shut down. They literally can’t learn the lesson we want them to learn while they’re in fight or flight. Additionally, punishment hurts our connection with our child (just as it would strain our connection and relationship with our spouse if they intentionally inflicted pain on us), and thus, their likelihood of cooperating with us in the future. Punishment simply is not the most effective or healthy form of discipline.

14468788_10101333530378164_7574560337429847737_o

Second, and more importantly, Someone else has already paid the price for every sin, mistake, and wrong decision that each of us has or will ever make. He suffered, bled from every pore, and gave His very life to pay that price. We learn from modern scripture that “God [has] suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent” (D&C 19:16). For this reason, rather than teaching my children that they must pay a price for their misbehavior, I want to teach them about the One who has already paid the price for every misdeed. I want to teach them to recognize and right their wrongs, with His grace. I want to teach them early about repentance and how to use this precious gift, so that by the time they reach the age of accountability (see D&C 29:46-47), they are familiar with the application of repentance.

0001-132060652

How do I plan to teach my children about repentance from the time they’re very young?

In her book and in her course, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Dr. Laura Markham teaches parents how to empower their children to make amends, using what she calls The Three Rs: Reflect, Repair, and Responsibility (see below). Reading and listening to her description of this tool brought to my mind the repentance “steps.” Then a couple months ago I was visiting with my sister-in-law and a friend (we’ll call this friend Sara), and we were talking about discipline. Sara shared with us a new approach to disciplining her kids that she had begun using, which was bearing awesome results. She came up with this new approach (I believe with the guidance of the Spirit). It really resonated with me and I felt that this was a link I had been missing.

Sara invites the Spirit when correcting or disciplining her children by singing a hymn or primary song, telling a story or parable that teaches a principle that relates to the child’s infraction, and praying with her child(ren). The details of how this scenario looks for her family differ from the way I have adapted it for my own family, but the principle is the same. Likewise, you may adapt it to better work for your own family. I have only used this approach a few times so far, but it made a remarkable difference each time.

These are the steps I have used:

  1. Calm myself. This approach to discipline is not effective when I’m angry! The Spirit must be part of this process. I tell myself “it’s not an emergency.” I shake out my hands and breathe deeply. I remind myself that my child is acting this way because she’s struggling and needs my help to handle the situation appropriately so that she doesn’t do something she’ll really regret.
  2. Empathize and set (or enforce) a limit. This must be done with empathy, kindness and love, as well as clarity and firmness. “You were upset when he took your blankie because that’s your special blankie, right?…You were so mad, but sweetie, I won’t let you hit your brother. Hitting hurts.”
  3. The Three R’s (*adapted from Dr. Laura Markham’s book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids)
    1. Reflect – In a non-attacking tone, ask the child to tell me what happened, and really listen to her side. Without blame or shame, help her recognize that her actions hurt someone. Identify the what, why, and whether that action was safe/appropriate. Dr Markham says, “When you ask open-ended questions and help your child “narrate” what happened, her rational brain gains understanding. This gives her more control over her emotions and behavior in the future.” “How did you feel when brother took your blankie? And then what happened? How did that make your brother feel?”
    2. Repair – Ask the child what she can do to fix things with the person she hurt. Offer ideas if necessary. If the child isn’t ready to repair, I don’t force it. This means that she is still feeling too angry or threatened, so I may go back a few steps if necessary. Forcing an apology won’t actually help her learn to feel remorse or make amends on her own in the future. “I know you love your brother and you don’t really want to hurt him, but when you hit him that did hurt him. So how can you fix your relationship with him? What would you like to do to help him feel better?” 
    3. Responsibility – Part of helping a child learn to take responsibility is helping them be able to respond differently in the future. Help her recognize that she always has a choice to make and that that choice will impact those around her. Help her be “response-able” (able to respond appropriately). Equip her with appropriate alternative responses for future similar situations. If appropriate, have her role-play. This helps her know how to make necessary changes moving forward. “What could you do next time something like this happens, instead of hitting?” Discuss strategies for calming down, and then offer suggestions for alternative actions, if necessary, such as finding brother’s blankie and trading him. Practice right then if appropriate.  (*Note: I don’t expect my kids to actually remember to do this the very next time. It usually takes being taught correct behavior over and over again before it sticks. Just look at us with our “favorite sins,” or with the counsel we constantly hear from the Lord. He has to repeat Himself a lot too.)
  4. Once the child is calm (remember they can’t learn or reason while in fight or flight), use a parable/story or song to teach the correct behavior. Jesus often taught in parables. I think this is a very effective teaching tool when teaching anyone, but especially children. This also helps invite the Spirit. The story can be gospel-based, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. “Let me tell you a little story about Jesus. Do you know what Jesus did when people treated Him badly? He was kind to them and He helped them, even when they were mean. In fact, right before He died, He prayed and asked Heavenly Father to forgive the people who were trying to kill Him.” Sing  I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus.
  5. End with prayer. Ask forgiveness, for help to do better next time, and for an increased measure of love in our home. Thank Heavenly Father for sending His Son to make it possible for us to repent. Either parent or child can offer the prayer.

This might seem like a lot, but it doesn’t have to take long. The whole encounter may only take a few minutes, but even if it takes longer, when it’s over we are left feeling love and encouragement and harmony rather than frustration and disconnection. And I feel confident that, with the help of the Spirit, I am helping my children truly learn the desired lessons that will lead to emotional intelligence, positive behavior, and the ability repent when they stumble.

Obviously some encounters are going to take longer or be more involved. Sometimes it might be necessary to remove the child from the situation, or to physically stop them from doing something. Other times it might be necessary to save the teaching for a later time if everyone is too upset in the moment. And obviously the age, temperament, etc. of the child are going to impact what takes place and how.

I don’t necessarily follow every single step listed above every time my child misbehaves, nor do I necessarily follow the steps in this exact order every time – this is just a guideline. Cater this to your child’s individual needs and follow the Spirit. One thing that has been helpful for me is to make a list in advance of stories or songs I might use for scenarios that tend to pop up often. In the heat of the moment it can be hard to think on my feet.

The most important thing here for me is inviting and involving the Spirit in disciplining my children. My goal is to teach them in a way they can really learn, and to instill in them a desire to do what’s right, for the sake of doing what’s right. I believe that can really only be accomplished with the help of the Spirit.